This picture is from 2014. He just turned 5 here. 7.5 years ago. So long ago, but it is still one of my favorites.
HIs sweet eyes have always touched me deep inside and made me pause. When he entered my world, he changed it and me.
I looked back at this photo today, reminiscing about life.
I have had two years in my life that I couldn't wait to be over. 2012 and 2021.
2021 just felt like it was constantly hitting me in the soft spots. It wouldn't leave a bruise on the outside, but the pain was deep and endured. Every time something sweet would show up, it was like 2021 was a thief and it would steal it only to replace it with something foul and smelly.
Our family endured losses of our aunt, uncle and cousin. It was too much. With each loss, we would grieve, come together and then do our best to pull it together, but the moment we thought, we could move forward and cope, we would be hit with another and then another.
They were huge blows, huge losses and the final one came without any perceived warning and laid most of us out, fighting for a breath.
It wasn't just the losses of my family members...but I can't go into the details of this year.
You wouldn't understand.
I don't even understand, so how could I convey it to you?
I just know that so much of it kept me asking for relief. And at the end of it I felt wiped out barely dragging myself across the line of 2021. It wasn't a celebration, it was a thank god and PLEASE let next year be different.
I am all about being the creator of my life and so I can feel ashamed that I went through a year where I am admitting that I wasn't the director of it. The Universe and My Muse pushed and shoved me into the places I needed to be. Some of which I totally understand and I am over the moon thankful for, but the pushing and shoving still left painful marks deep inside.
It is hard when you can't see the wounds or the bruises. You start to tell yourself that you aren't really hurting, you are making it up. But just because you can't see it, doesn't mean that it isn't real, VERY real.
My heart hurts for the amount of pain I have seen those I love endure this year.
It is heart crushing pain. There aren't words to express the weight of that.
I have made myself wrong and that wrongness has added a vice to my life, as if the weight and pain wasn't enough, I had to add self-judgment.
I've done the smiling this year, but most of my smiles don't reach past the surface. I have smiled for others because I love them and I want to give them my gratitude and joy.
But I need to smile for myself again; the kind of smile that reaches in and brings sunshine to my insides and oozes out my pores.
I need to smile again in ways that might not even reach my mouth, but glows from my skin and soul.
So, I sat under the weight of it all, in the swirling shrapnel of life and of my scathing personal judgment and I asked some questions.
My first one was
"WHAT THE FUCK, UNIVERSE?!?!? And to my Muse: I don't think you are giving me ANY HELP!!! Can you please help me out here?!?!?!?"
"Please show me the way. Please give me a glimmer of hope and direction. What am I not seeing that you want me to see and know?"
And this is what I received from My Muse (that source inside that is knows you and what is possible for you):
"It is OKAY to not always direct. Did you hear that?" -Muse
I needed to hear it again.
"Listen. It is OKAY to not always direct, create, move, know etc. There always comes time for the PAUSE." -Muse
"But what after that? What after the PAUSE because I can't stay paused forever." - T
That is what I was asking because I am so used to MOVING and CREATING...GIVING AND LOVING.
"After that is a LIFTING and RECEIVING. It will be an awkward receiving though, because it is an experience like never before where the Universe will keep knocking you on your ass until you finally relent to fully receiving." -Muse
"2021 has been that for you. You kept TRYING to get up and DO and we had to knock you back down. It is time to stop TRYING so hard." Muse
Fuck. So many times when I receive, my first reaction is that I am pissed that I have to receive, instead of thankful for the answer to my desires to receive or thankful to those who DESIRE to give to me.
More swear words.
More bone aching exhaustion.
The weight of all that, combined with the cloudiness of the world, has made clarity and forward movement difficult. It is like I have been staring out into a smoke filled world with embers flying through unable to move. UNABLE
So, the picture of Charlie... Why am I sharing that?
I am sharing it because after the response from my Muse, I needed to sick deeper into love, not purpose, creation or anything else.
2022, the beginning of it at least, will be about going deeper into the places that feel like home to me and fill me up.
It will be about breathing life.
It will be about receiving, deeper.
So, even if it is cloudy out there and the weights are on me, I will use it like a weighted blanket to go deeper into what means the most to me and there I will find rest, nourishment and peace.
Now I realize that the Muse needed to slow me down.
Maybe it happened for you too.
We were running past the gifts, past the relief, past the peace. But now, it is about receiving without shame and become the wholeness of breath - the in and the out - the giving AND the receiving... and the delicious PAUSE to let it all sink in and then glow out of all of our pores.
If you need help seeing how your Muse is trying to give you more of life and more of yourself, reach out for a complimentary Discovery Session.