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She did it even when she believed she couldn't.

My thoughts have never served me well. I am someone that if you tell me to say a mantra, my whole mind goes into war to find where it is not true. So they really don't serve me well, most of the time they create more trouble than help.

And even though I am an artist, I am crap at visualizing.  

The visualizing part I think I understand more than the thoughts. Most of what I have wanted in life hasn't been an object, it has been an experience or feeling.

Even in my art, I don't start with a plan. I am not trying to recreate what I see, but let something emerge from the canvas that desires to be seen or experienced, maybe for the first time.

I recently posted about having an inner bully. I have one and she is strong. She is that way because she wants to protect me from harm. She has good reason to be that way, as the path we came on was not kind or safe.

In the beginning, I did things, not because i believed I could, but because the alternative of staying where I was hurt too bad. It definitely wasn't because of a strong belief system or courage.

I also doubt anyone would have described me as confident, least of all me.  

I would say fear fueled me, but there was an undercurrent, a presence in me that from a young age , threw me into the unknown in order to escape pain.

I moved out of my parents' house (my dad and step mom) when I was 15, but even at 4 I had to speak to a judge by myself to say why I didn't want to live with my mother. I will remember both of those days forever. They were terrifying days where I still feel wrong and sick to my stomach. I knew at the time that I was saying things and making choices that were going to hurt people and also that were unpopular.

I was blessed to have supportive people that showed me it was possible, but in the end, I chose in both situations to do something that was a possibility, but didn't seem possible. Does that make sense? I did it nauseous.

After the court date when I was 4, we went out to Ponderosa.  My dad was celebrating that he got full custody of me.  I wasn't hungry, but I got a green jello with whip topping.  I never had more than 1 bite of it.   It was the day that changed how I felt about jello forever.  Even today, the smell of it makes my stomach turn and brings me back to that day.  

I learned to walk forward into belief. I learned to choose into courage. I learned from my own actions, not because someone told me what it would create.

So these days, I don't wait to believe I can do it. I also don't wait for the fear, stomach aches or nausea to go away before I choose. But I also don't choose just because it looks hard or because others say I should. I never have. I choose because I know deep inside it is the opening, away from the feeling of smallness, trappedness, or lack that is pushing me onto my feet or at least it is towards something greater, brighter and with more space than where I am now. I go towards the unknown because it draws me in with the feeling of space, freedom and possibilities.

It may sound weird, but belief has nothing to do with it, confidence or courage either. I am compelled into the abyss and it's not until I step into it that the judgement I have for my choice evaporates. Within me there is a force that won't take no for an answer, though I have tried.

These days, I suffer less and enjoy more by following that force with curiosity, playfulness and wonder.  

I wonder at times, am I the only one who is compelled this way? I know from those I am surrounded by that I am not alone, but are we the rare few or are you like this too?

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