What happens when you are not enough?
I am sitting here right now wondering, 'What happens when I am not enough, ever?' I am asking it clearly and out loud because it has been this grumble that has been murmuring and whispering at me for weeks. Do you ever hear it? Does it send you on a wild chase, wondering where it is coming from and then it reveals almost every area of your life where you can't quite be what you would like to be, not quite create what you would to create or not quite do what you would like to do? It is all this 'not quite' thing and try as you might you just always almost succeed only to walk away with the compensation prize.
What is that? Who can we blame for this inner tormentor? Society, our parents, our teachers, our spouse, the media, our ex spouse? I mean we have to blame someone for the voice right? Some would even say the devil or demon entities. I am guessing you are like me though, you've realized that blaming changes nothing. Giving someone else credit for the slow, incessant torture is momentarily relieving, but long term it seems to add to the struggle and pain.
So, what do you do when you don't just think, but you know, that you are in no way enough; even with all the self-help books and positive affirmations surrounding you to say the opposite? When you realize that you are totally flawed and you cannot keep up with the person that people hope you are, project you are, believe you are and admire you for? What do you do then? Do you out yourself? Do you carry on playing the role they have cast you in as hero, helper, advocate, healer, etc etc etc only to fear that one day you will let them down in a big way? Or do you run, do you curl up and hide; even for a night and then maybe part of the next day? Or do you put on a big smile and practice laughing just right and saying the things that you know they want to hear?
I have been in all of those places, but right now I am asking for something else. Right now I am the demand that there is a different way. What if it is exactly where we are supposed to be in realizing that we, in no way, are enough? What if it is exactly right that we don't have enough of the capacity or tenacity to show up, love, succeed in business or have the vibrant, strong body we are asking for?
What if we will always fall just shy of the goal-----
if we do it on our own.
What if the purpose of our lives is not to find that grand scheme or dream, but it is to realize that we are interconnected and that our greatest invitation or purpose is to be willing to ask, seek and connect to others, spirit and ourselves in a way that causes interdependence and then causes incredible creation? There is so much talk about co-dependence that so many have gone to the extreme of independence and lost sight of what interdependence is inviting in.
Interdependence is the acknowledgment that we need each other. Damn, I just have to stop a moment - that word is such a no-no in all areas of life - the spiritual sector, the energetic sector, the psychological sector etc etc. We CANNOT, by any means be needy! The thing is we need everyday. We need to breathe, eat, drink, pee, sleep, touch and so much more. We need many things to survive and EVEN more things to thrive. To need is not to be needy - or is it?
Rant over. On we go.....
Interdependence is the capacity to recognize the skills, talents and virtues of another person and to be so thankful they exist that you ask to connect with them and build something greater because on your own it wouldn't be possible. Visually, I just received this image of legos. Each lego block is cool, but it is just a mess of legos when they are independent, but when they come together nearly anything is possible. I mean have you seen the things they can make out of legos these days? Now, if I were to have my way with this visual, these legos would have a life force electrical and fluid energy that passes between them as they connect.
After all we are organisms filled with water and electrical currents.
So, I am still left with this question: Where did the notion come from that we are supposed to have it all together, be so independent and so damn good at everything from relationships to creations to business?
Where did the deep rooted notion that needing, asking for help or receiving more than we can give become a greater and punishable offense than connecting in such a vulnerable manner that all of your systems are interwoven and you lose sight of where you start and where you end because you have completely transformed the moment you locked in on each other?
So many questions and I apologize that I do not have answers exactly. I actually have more questions, but a different kind. What if we celebrated this 'not enough-ness' and celebrated the 'not enough-ness' of others rather than incriminating each other through judgement and self deprecation. What if we chose to start holding each other in our asks/prayers and whatever our energy is we let it overflow freely to others when they need it, even if they don't ask. 'What the flip does that look like?', you ask.
Well here is my description:
Those damn energy vampires: You feel them. You know it without a doubt. And so far, your reaction has been to close off, energetically send them the middle finger and move on. The thing is they seem to be popping up in your life more and more and anywhere from the coffee shop, to your kid's school, to your home. Isn't it getting exhausting carrying around that huge armor and shutting off each time someone tries to tap in and suck off your energy? I mean don't they know that you are on reserves anyways? What if there was another way?
Will you try something with me? Curl your entire body into a ball, even tuck your head in. Energetically when we shut off, protect, this is what we are doing and then we add a shield and armor. How do you feel in this position? Free? Anxious? Tight? Light? Heavy? Isolated? Aware? Connected? Able?
Now, try standing and reach your arms up high and wide like a wide Y. Allow your head to look up and your chest to open. Sense your energy and the energy around you. In this space ask the same questions. How do you feel in this position? Free? Anxious? Tight? Light? Heavy? Isolated? Aware? Connected? Able? Now go one step further and sense the energy above, below, behind and in front of you and just allow it in and simultaneously, allow yours out of you.
Now connect to that person who drains you. Sense them sucking the life force right out of you, but instead of curling up and shutting off and letting them know where they can go, you stay open like you are now. Notice them draining you of all your reserves and then watch what happens. Watch how your openness allows them to drain you so much that energy is pulled from behind you, above you and from the center of the molecules in you and through you out to them. No longer are you filled with stagnant, calm energy but pulsing, new, vibrant universal energies. What if they are sent to drain you and if you would just let them, you would be renewed and reconnected. What if you can give thanks for their position in helping you to let go of the little reserves and connect to the MF massive flow that was available to you?
haha - I hear you saying, well that is a great exercise for energy, but what happens when someone drains you of your reserves of money?